Successfully Parenting A Child through Transracial Adoption

You’ve likely learned by now that adoptive parenting requires an extra layer of skills that you maybe haven’t needed when parenting biological children or that your friends who are parenting bio kids have not seemed to require. If you are also parenting a child of another race by adoption, then your skill set has to expand. Tranracial adoption adds additional layers to parenting.

Our partner, Creating a Family, has a thought-provoking radio show meant for hopeful adoptive parents who are thinking about their ability to parent a child of another race. While the show speaks to prospective parents, there were some questions posed throughout that are helpful for those already parenting children by transracial adoption. These questions were raised as issues to consider as your child grows in their understanding of their racial identity – checkpoints along the way if you will. You’ll note that there are no answers included with the questions. Each family must consider how these issues impact their home and their child, come to their own conclusions, and then craft the path forward that suits the family they are raising.

Questions to Consider for Parenting Through Transracial Adoption

Have you dealt with your own “stuff?”

Have you unpacked how you and your partner came to the plan of adoption for building your family? Does that journey to adoption impact your view of adoption? Your view of parenting? If you came to this means of creating your family through loss or some other unexpected path, have you dealt with the loss? Does your family of origin avoid or go silent when uncomfortable topics come up? How do you plan to overcome that tendency for your child’s sake?

How do you balance opposing thoughts?

Can you find a means to recognize that race will simultaneously matter and not be a big deal at the same time? Have you talked about how to find the balance of “this is who we are” (a transracial adoptive family), and “this is something I need to pay attention to” (my child needs my support as a child of color in our home)? Can you work together to hold the balance so that one thing does not override the other while respecting that your child’s balance might look different than yours?

Are you learning about the development of racial identity?

Do you understand that your child will have a racial identity? That you have a racial identity? (These facts are neither positive nor negative.) What are you doing – or willing to do – to foster your child’s development of his identity? Have you surrounded yourself with people and resources that provide a context for your child as he grows? What tools will you need to shore up your child’s maturing identity that will equip him for and protect him from inevitable racism and discrimination?

Are you up for the hard conversations?

Are you ready for uncomfortable topics with your child? Is your child competent to handle the discomfort of conversations about racism or bias? Do you have a plan for helping your child grow his competency while you grow yours? Have you learned how to bring up tough topics? Are you surrounding yourself with people who model how to handle tough conversations about race and identity and will press you for honest responses? Are you exposing your child to these conversations and these people? Do you force your discomfort to the surface when you feel it rising? Do you, individually and as a family – examine it and ask honest questions about the discomfort?

How diverse is your community?

Are you connected to or in a meaningful relationship with a variety of people of other races or cultures? If not, why? If you are, can you get their perspective on both your struggles and wishes for successfully parenting this child? Is your child the only person of his race or culture with whom you are regularly relating? Are you willing to find a community group to join? Is your child’s school diverse? Is your place of worship diverse? Do you interact with professional service providers (doctors, dentists, orthodontists, tailors, hair salons, ministerial staff) who are racially diverse? If not, why? What can you do to change that? Are you willing to change that?

Do you have a diverse home library?

Is your stash of kids’ books full of characters that are widely diverse? Are those characters of color portrayed in ways that are inspiring? Brave? Principled? Outspoken? Are those characters advocates and champions, or are they portrayed as victims or secondary players? Do those books include characters with physical and emotional differences as well? Does your media library celebrate diversity and differences? What music are you bringing into your home? Are you watching movies together that feature transracial families? Do your entertainment options (books, movies, music, games) celebrate differences of all sorts? Do they spark curiosity about other races and cultures? Do you learn together once that interest sparks?

Can you be an ally?

Are you ready to be an ally to your transracially adopted child? Can you believe him when he reports bias or discrimination or racism in his daily life? Can you stand with him to do his identity work? Can you “have his back” when he is figuring it all out – even if it’s uncomfortable for you? Are you willing and able to learn what an ally looks like to him and what he wants or needs from you in the stages of that identity development?

As we said, there are no answers to these questions because it’s impossible to have a “one size fits all” response. When you are a transracially adoptive family, your identities work together to create your family’s unique identity as a whole. You will learn the balance for you and your child as you work together through the issues along the way. You can learn more about how children develop a racial identity as they grow from this resource.