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Coping with Attitude and Backtalk in Newly Adopted Child

It’s common for newly adopted children to test the boundaries of your home and your patience while they figure out if this will be a safe place for them. While common, it is also extremely frustrating for parents.

A Familiar Story

“Help! I need some advice. I have kinship care of my 6-year-old relative. I am a 40-something single woman with no children of my own.  Her parents have addiction issues. They are occasionally homeless and have not sought any help or resources to re-unify with their daughter. She’s lived with me for several months now and it looks like I will be asked to adopt her. She just started school, after which she attends daycare until I leave work.

She behaves appropriately at school and in aftercare the majority of the time. However, when she is at home with me, I’m having a big issue with attitude and backtalk.  She tells me “NO!” when asked to do anything. She screams at me: “My mama wouldn’t make me do this!” She rages and tantrums over almost everything. She says that she will tell her mother that I spank her and other falsehoods. I’m at my wits’ end with her behaviors.

She is in play therapy, but I’m not sure it is helping. On days like today, I feel ready to throw in the towel. I not sure how much longer I can deal with living like this. What can I do?”*

What Can You Do About a Lousy Attitude?

There are no easy answers to how to handle defiant attitudes and talking back in newly adopted or newly placed children. It’s likely not going to be ONE thing that works, rather a slow, steady, and consistent application of tips like these below that will communicate safety to your child. Once that sense of security, predictability, and trust is established, and these efforts are employed consistently, you will most likely find the relationship between you shifting.

6 Tips for Handling Attitude and Backtalk

  1. Don’t Take it Personally. The most important thing to realize is that her taunts of “my mom wouldn’t do it this way” or “I’ll tell my mom” are not personal to you. I know they feel that way, but they are a cry for help. They are a cry for things to go back to the way they used to be – even though things were broken, they were familiar to her. Even though she was neglected and exposed to things that no child should experience, it was all she knew, and she misses her parents and her old life.
  2. Don’t spank her. Even if you believe spanking is useful as a discipline measure and you were spanked and turned out just fine, spanking is not effective for children who have experienced trauma and who are grieving the loss of everything they know. There are more effective ways to discipline. Our partners at Creating a Family have an excellent resource on how to de-escalate challenging behaviors.
  3. Read The Connected Child. You probably don’t think you need it, and you surely don’t have the time but find the time to read The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. You and this child both need you to read this book. There are effective corrective techniques offered in this book, as well as helpful information about parenting kids with a trauma history.
  4. Absolutely keep her in therapy. Even if it doesn’t feel to you that it is working, it’s worth plugging through to keep trying. Even better if you can find a trauma-competent therapist who will incorporate you into the therapy to help train you as a mom on how to work with her.
  5. Recognize that your life has also turned upside down. You need support. You need to be around other mothers of young kids. Making those connections is hard to do when working. It’s also hard because you don’t know if this is a temporary situation. On the weekends try to do activities that will put you in contact with other moms. While you are out, strike up a conversation. It’s also advisable to find a therapist for yourself to help you adjust and to help you sort through what is typical 6-year-old behavior and what is stemming from the trauma in her life.
  6. Find something you both enjoy and diligently make sure you do it together twice a week. It isn’t important what it is: eating pizza, watching a princess movie, going to the park, walking through the mall, trying new ice cream flavors, hot cocoa dates, whatever!  Right now, parenting this child feels all work and no fun — an unhealthy balance. You are the only one who can right the balance.

Not A Quick Fix

Again, changing the relationship between you and your child will not be a quick fix. Parenting a child from a chaotic and challenging history requires patience, consistency, and heavy doses of empathy. Throw in a dash of self-care and light-hearted fun to the mix, and you can make a significant impact on the child’s ability to trust you and find healing in the process.

*A compilation of experiences from several people.