Coping with the Unknowns in Adoptive Parenting

It’s easy while waiting for your child to join your family to focus on the great stuff of his life you’ve missed. Wobbly first steps. Blossoming language skills. Two-wheeler bike rides without the training wheels…then the crashes and kissing of boo-boos that follow.

It’s also tempting to get stuck in sadness over the hard things that your child had to face without you. Regret feels heavy over the trauma he experienced before landing safely in your home. Grief can pile up when you realize that you know so little about the circumstances that led to that trauma or how his heart responded.

There is so much you don’t know when you choose adoption to build your family. Coping with the unknowns in adoptive parenting is indeed a topic with which many adoptive parents wrestle.

Focus on what you DO know.

No matter where you are in the process of adoption, you DO know what you are doing and why you are doing it. Hold fast to your “what” and your “why.” During the long wait or in the early days of transitioning home together, what you DO know will be a key to surviving the many changes and expectations you have of each other.

If your child is newly home, remember that you DO know this child now. You recognize, of course, that it’s incomplete knowledge, but it’s a foundation upon which to build. If you’ve been parenting this child for even just a little while, you are learning what makes him tick. You see if he’s a morning person or a night owl. You are becoming intimately aware of what triggers his anxiety and what makes him giggle until he gasps for breath.

The point is that you are not without some knowledge of this precious new human being that has joined your home. When you feel overwhelmed by all of what you don’t know, tell yourself – out loud if you have to – what you DO, in fact, know. Take it one step further and tell yourself what good you are doing for your family with what you already know.

Focus on what you NEED to learn now.

Adoptive parenting quite often means raising kids who have had complicated, traumatic starts to their lives. There is a ton of information out there, to equip and support you as you learn about what your kids need.

Identifying all that that is possible to learn about while parenting this little person is likely not going to be your problem. Narrowing it down to what it is that you NEED to learn for right now will help you manage the information overload that threatens to drown you.

Ask yourself, “What is the most pressing priority to learn for my child’s sake right now?”

For Example: Is Your Child’s Health at Risk?

If your child comes to you in a health crisis or with an unmanaged, chronic illness, find reliable, evidence-based information with which to educate yourself. Get referrals from your pediatrician for local specialists and other trustworthy information sources. Connect yourself – online communities are helpful for this – to other parents living with these needs and learn their tricks and tips.

Another Example: Is Your Child’s Education at Risk?

Another example with a school-aged child would be a middle-of-the-year placement. If your child needs an IEP or has an extensive history of academic struggles, he needs you to shore up your educational advocacy skills and “momma bear” voice. Again, online parent groups for IEP support can be a great resource. Ask for a meeting with the school team and attend to the transition to the new school setting. Do all your education-related communication in writing.

A Word of Caution

Focusing on what you NEED to learn can still be overwhelming. Take the old adage about eating an elephant – “one bite at a time” – to heart. You cannot possibly learn it all at once. If you need help figuring out what that “first bite” should be, reach out to your adoption agency, case worker, school counselor, or adoption community.

(By the way, figuring out who to ask and how to ask for help is its very own healthy tool to cope with unknowns.)

Focus on one thing you WANT to know next.

Once you are on top of what you need to know, you can start to move your focus to the next thing. Setting a goal to attend a webinar or take an online course on a single adoptive parenting topic might motivate you to find what you WANT to know.

In adoptive parenting or any parenting journey, there will never be just one next thing to learn. But you can cope with the many unknowns in adoptive parenting by choosing only one skill on which you WANT to focus next.

Looking ahead to that which you WANT to learn is a hopeful act of coping. It says, “I’m in this for the long haul.” Planning for the future together, even amid so many unknowns, is like cement that will hold that foundation you are crafting together.

Be flexible with what and how you WANT to learn. The nature of adoptive parenting requires that you adapt and adjust to the ever-changing needs of your child. Keep that desire to grow and to equip yourself, even if you have to step back to attend to the needs that crop up in your home.

Make peace with the unknowns in adoptive parenting.

There will always be things that are unknown about our child’s story. It’s a fundamental truth about adoptive parenting – and it’s harder for some parents to face than for others. When you can find a way to make peace with that which you cannot or will not ever know, you can more easily give yourself grace for what you are learning. That grace and space to grow will help you be present and open to learning what you need to know and what you can learn next.