Disciplining a Child Who Has Experienced Trauma
“The more healthy relationships a child has, the more likely he will be to recover from trauma and thrive. Relationships are the agents of change and the most powerful therapy is human love.” ~ Bruce D. Perry
Connection Before Correction
When parenting a child who has experienced trauma or neglect, discipline can feel a bit like you are walking through a landmine. You don’t know where to step in safely to avoid a blow-up, but you know you have to take a step somewhere, right? All children need correction at one point or another as they grow. The key to disciplining a child who has experienced trauma is to keep your focus on building a healthy relationship that is deeply connected so that the child feels safe receiving your correction.
When you shift your focus to shoring up a connection with that child before implementing a correction, you are communicating that the whole person of your child matters to you. That their behavior is a communication of a need and that you are interested in meeting that underlying need.
The Bank Account Metaphor
Think of your child’s heart and brain as a bank. Building a secure connection with your child is like depositing cash into your child’s relationship account. Make enough positive deposits into your child’s relationship account to cover withdrawals made by painful memories of past trauma, by rough days at school, or by bad word choices your child makes at the dinner table. Recognize that, daily, the world around him makes withdrawals that feel out of his control, and he needs to have a “nest egg” in that relationship account to cushion the blows.
What Are The Positive Deposits I Should Make?
Share power – The idea behind “sharing power” with your child is that you are confident enough in your authority and role as the parent that you can share some of that power with your child who may be feeling powerless or out of control.
An easy way to share power right away is to begin offering choices. Keep the options limited and provide alternatives that are reasonable, actionable, and that you can live with, regardless of which option he chooses. For example, Johnny typically refuses the turkey and cheese sandwich you make, and it turns into a battle almost daily to get him to eat lunch. Tomorrow, before lunchtime arrives, offer Johnny a choice between turkey with cheese or peanut butter with his favorite jelly. Both options are easy, manageable, and pretty easy to accommodate.
Balance the structure and the nurture – It’s likely that by this point in your parenting, you’ve learned the importance of a predictable routine and structured home. But if you are parenting a child who has experienced trauma, you also need to provide plenty of soft, safe nurture in your relationship.
Each child experiences nurture differently, so observe what loving gestures and words your child responds well to and increase the incidences of that type of care. If your child is particularly wounded or having a difficult season, it’s acceptable to tweak the balance more heavily toward the nurture for that time and swing the balance back when you sense he is rebounding. Similarly, if your child is struggling with changing schedules or the chaos that sometimes happens in a busy home, it might be time to tighten up some of the structure again.
Establish some basic rules – Every household needs basic rules to function. When parenting a child who has experienced trauma, it’s imperative to keep those rules simple. They should be easy to remember and easy to implement.
If your child has trouble remembering the rules, consider posting them in a couple places around the home. We’ve all seen those artistic renditions of “In The Home, We…” and those can be helpful tools, especially if they are short, sweet, and to the point. For young children who are not yet reading, a social story or poster with pictures can be a great alternative.
Be consistent and structured in enforcing those rules – What rarely appears on those cute “family rules” wall art are the consequences that happen when a child does NOT comply with the rules. This is a big deal for our kids who have had chaotic or traumatic experiences. They need clearly stated consequences, and they need them applied consistently.
This is an excellent opportunity to share power with your child! Sit together as a family and discuss what basic rules by which your household should live. Get their input on reasonable and implementable consequences when those rules are broken. In this conversation, remember the balance of structure and nurture. If you have to choose between the two, consider that choosing nurture in the enforcement of rules and consequences can be yet one more positive deposit into your child’s relationship account.
Give room and space for change – It’s hard, in the heat of the moment, to remember this but tell yourself frequently in calm moments that your child’s challenging behaviors took time to develop. It will take time – and connection and nurture – to change those behaviors.
By telling yourself this in those good, connecting moments with your child, you are also depositing into your own relationship account. It’s also hard, for most parents, to remember that we need cushioning against the withdrawals that get made from our relationship accounts daily.
Feed and water the child – Our kids need healthy fueling to function well. This is a preventative action that you can take, every 2-3 hours, to be sure that both your child’s physical and relationship accounts are getting the deposits they need. The act of feeding our children who have experienced trauma is a nurturing one. Taking the time to meet that need sets them up for success while giving them the energy they need to make it through a day.
Try One Deposit at a Time
The time to discipline your child with this shift of building a connection before implementing correction might feel unwieldy and overwhelming at the start. Take it easy on yourself and consider choosing to “master” just one or two of the ideas we’ve offered. Once you feel confident that this new skill is becoming second-nature to you, then try out another suggestion and add it to your toolbox. Before long, your methods of disciplining your child will match more naturally with your newly shifted focus, and it won’t feel awkward anymore. Your child’s relationship account will be in growth mode, and you’ll find your new groove together.
If you are interested in more information about parenting a child who has experienced trauma, check out Creating a Family’s Practical Guide to Parenting a Child Who Has Been Exposed to Trauma.