“I’m Struggling to Attach to My Adopted Child!”
Saying that out loud summons a degree of shame and embarrassment that weighs heavily on you. After all, you are “the adult in the room,” and you should be leading the way to forged connections between you and your adopted child, right? You know, logically, that any difficulty your child has in attaching to his new family is justified, given his painful life experiences before he came to your home.
No parent expects to struggle with feelings of affection for or attachment to their newly adopted child. In fact, it’s often quite the opposite: parents assume that when their child finally joins the family, feelings of love and connectedness will flow smoothly and abundantly. After all, pursuing this adoption plan was a conscious choice. You’ve had months to plan and anticipate all the many ways you will show your love for this child. But the reality settling in can feel very different than the expectations.
Why Do Parents Struggle to Attach to Their Adopted Child?
It’s important to remind yourself that attachment is a two-way street. Each of you brings to this new relationship a set of lived experiences that inform how you connect with each other and the world around you. Those lived experiences often set us up for struggles such as:
- Unrealistic Expectations – about adoption in general, about this child, about yourself as a parent, about your view of a “happy family,” about the impact of the changes that the adoption brings to your life
- Unrealistic Timelines – you think you should be farther along in your transition by now, more attached by now, he should be more settled by now, more affectionate, etc.
- Unresolved Grief – depending upon how you came to adoption you may have unresolved feelings of loss or grief (from miscarriage or infertility, for example) or a misunderstanding of your child’s pain or loss
- Mismatched Temperament – feeling as if your child doesn’t quite fit your parenting style or former family dynamic well, feeling as if you are not a good fit for your child’s needs or personality
- Post-Adoption Depression – feelings of fear, sadness or even regret about the adoption that hampers your ability to connect with your child, or others in your life, for that matter
- The Child’s Trauma – your child’s history of trauma, neglect or abuse can cause him to act out in ways that hurt you or make you want to retreat, making attachment feel out of reach
What Can a Parent Do To Overcome the Struggle to Attach?
1. Get Professional Help
One of the first and most important things you can do to address your struggle to attach with your child is to seek professional help. Seek a trauma-informed and adoption-competent therapist who will help you identify and address the reasons you are struggling. Spend time doing the hard work with that counselor to deal with your own stuff so that you and your child can grow in your relationship to form a healthy and fulfilling attachment.
2. Make Time for Yourself
Another thing you can do is to schedule regular breaks for yourself. Give yourself the gift of time – to decompress, to refresh, or to do something that fills your “other sides” beyond the Mom or Dad role. Get a babysitter and make Date Night with your partner a priority. Go to the movies with a friend. If your kids are in school every day, carve a little bit of time when they are gone or in child-care to take care of yourself. If you are a single adoptive parent, prioritize regular and meaningful self-care that recharges you.
3. Talk About It
A third recommendation is to talk about your struggle. If you have a trusted friend who “gets it” and can be honest with you or help you see things more clearly, share what you are facing. If you are married, you need to speak with your spouse about this struggle as soon as you can. Getting the truth out there and processing it with someone else will prevent you from feeling isolated and alone. Hearing another perspective will help you think through the issues. Talking about it with others breaks down the shame and stigma that can further hold you back from attaching.
You are Not Alone
Struggling to attach to a child who has a significant trauma history is not as uncommon as your shame might make you feel. And it’s certainly no reason to labor under feelings of guilt. Sadly, because it’s not often talked about in adoption circles, many parents keep struggling alone. You are not alone. Once you can acknowledge your difficulties and start talking with a counselor, your spouse, and your friends, you will likely be pleasantly surprised to feel your load lifting while attachment begins to grow.
For more information on a parent’s struggle to attach to an adopted child, listen to Creating a Family’s radio show/podcast, When Parents Struggle to Attach to their Adopted Child.