Pairing Consequences with Discipline for a Child Who Has Experienced Trauma
In the article on this website about Disciplining a Child Who Has Experienced Trauma, we discussed ways to create a connection with your child before correcting him. It’s important to establish basic rules for your home to function well. A big piece of connected discipline is enforcing consequences when those rules get broken. The critical thing to remember is choosing a consequence that will help you re-wire your child for success the next time. You want your child to learn how to make better choices as he grows and learns.
Many parents who are learning attachment parenting skills are curious about responses when their child breaks a household rule. Here are several suggestions for consequences that are appropriate for kids who have experienced trauma.
“Time-in”
“Time-in” is a particularly helpful tool with younger children. Time-in is a specific moment in which you and your child take a short connection time away from the chaos. Go to a quiet place designated as your home’s “calming space.” You can sit together, or you can hold your child close and calm down together. This co-regulating can include deep breathing, narrating the events, and naming the feelings that led to the melt-down or broken rule.
“Do-Over”
Another tool that is helpful with a variety of ages is the “do-over.” Once a child is calm and regulated, you can re-play the events that led to the child’s infraction and practice making a better choice. The re-play of events is also an excellent opportunity to get silly with your child, to offer options of alternative actions, and to speak positive encouragement to your child. Practicing better choices will empower and re-train his brain for better decisions the next time.
Protective Language
When enforcing consequences, use encouraging, protective language with your child that gives him a sense he is known. Speak in ways that support his healthy choices. Tell him how you want him to be successful with this issue and how you want to help. Describe how he has grown already in this area. Avoid punitive or shaming language, and guard your tone and your volume as well. For many parents, this requires some creativity. Again, it’s a shift in both focus and spoken word – to connecting with your child before you correct his behaviors.
Consequences That Fit
Finally, choose consequences that match the infraction. For example, if your child has been mean-spirited and used foul language toward his sister, take some time to calm down together. Play the role of the sister and walk him through a re-do of the scenario. Give him examples of language that is acceptable for your home as he is re-enacting the events. Then, ask him to speak one or two kind words of encouragement to his sister that will help soften or even erase the ugly things he said earlier.
Create an Atmosphere of Safety
Disciplining a child who has a history of trauma, abuse, or neglect, has the foundational imperative first to communicate safety to the child. It follows, then, that the consequences you enforce will also demonstrate that this is a safe way to learn how to do better next time. These consequences will help you create a safe space for your child to learn new patterns and taste success in his growth.
If you are interested in more information about parenting a child who has experienced trauma, check out Creating a Family’s Practical Guide to Parenting a Child Who Has Been Exposed to Trauma.