Parenting to Prevent Dissolution
Adoption dissolutions or failed adoptions are a hard topic to talk about in the adoption community. But the reality is that adoptions sometimes fail and the fallout is tragic for everyone involved. How can you parent even the most complicated child in a way that might prevent the tragedy of dissolution? Here is a brief list of ideas to get you started with some “preventative parenting.”
Get Help!
If you and your family are beginning to struggle with this adoption, get professional counseling. Find an adoption-competent therapist who understands trauma and invest time and effort in learning the skills that the therapist can share with you.
For children adopted from foster care, there are services available to your family. Contact your caseworkers for the specifics of your case. Many states have set up post-adoptive services for families like yours. You can search your state’s website for resources.
Manage Your Expectations
Be vigilant to set your expectations realistically and resist the natural inclination to fall back on expectations based upon your own lived experiences or upbringing. For example, your child’s educational performance should be unique to him and his abilities. The priority should be to focus on your relationship with the child. Expand your view of school to your child’s whole school experience, not solely on academics.Name the fear that is driving your expectations or hopes and recognize that your definition of “success” as an adult can and maybe should be broader.
Don’t Blame the Child
Our children come to us with many deficits and often a painful history. His struggles can make relationship between you complicated. Consider that he may not be able to overcome these deficits without significant modeling and consistent unconditional care from you. Acknowledge the disparity between your expectations of your child and the realities of what he can “bring” to your relationship. And then manage those expectations differently.
Remember that attachment is a two-way street. As the adult in the relationship, you must look at your own “stuff” and be willing to work through or “own the issues” that make attachment difficult for you. For example, your child might reject your affections. You have to settle in your mind that it is not a personal attack on you.
Consider the Trauma Impact
Trauma impacts many areas of a child’s developing brain, including his ability to form relationships. When you parent a child who struggles to attach, it’s challenging. Early in your relationship, or even before you adopt, you can prepare for potential struggles in attachment by:
- Understanding that this relationship with your hopeful child might not look like you dreamed it to be
- Understanding your own history of attachment and how that can impact your relationship with your potential child
- Looking into your insurance coverage to understand what resources are available to your family
Find Support
It’s crucial to find a network of other parents, or whole families, who have been in the same circumstances as you. If you can find an in-person support group, join that for your emotional well-being. Online support groups are also valuable tools in that they are almost always accessible for bouncing ideas and finding the camaraderie of someone who “gets it.”There is no such thing as an exhaustive how-to formula for parenting to avoid dissolution. Parenting a child with a history of abuse, neglect, or trauma is challenging. We hope that these suggestions will educate you and give you one more tool to create a plan for parenting through the challenges.
If you want to learn more about how to prevent a dissolution or disruption, listen to this Creating a Family radio show with two adoption experts who shared their experiences. The North American Council of Adoptable Children offers a resource on intentional parenting that might be helpful to you as well.