Social Media and Open Adoption
Most parents have a love-hate relationship with social media, especially when it comes to monitoring use by their tweens and teens. It’s wise to be guarded and cautious about age-appropriate content and online habits that are consistent with your family values. Keeping up with it all can be like a second job. It’s a crucial part of everyday life now, and you will score points with your tween or teen by acknowledging the benefits that he finds in social media interactions.
Social media is an essential tool for kids to stay connected with their peers and current with culture, and increasingly, adopted tweens and teens are using social media to connect with their birth families. It’s imperative that you stay present with your child in this effort. He needs your support and perspective to navigate this part of his open adoption relationship. We offer these ideas for how to support your child’s online interactions with his birth family.
1. Craft your own relationship with your child’s birth family
Whether you are in a limited-contact adoption or very-open adoption, consider how you might further develop the relationship with your child’s birth family. You might already have limited contact established, like a yearly card exchange with updated pictures or occasional phone calls with birth mom. In the interest of supporting your child, recognize that openness between you – unless there are safety issues – is for his benefit. Investigate with your partner whether you can manage to expand that openness to support your child’s growing awareness of his adoption story and how he’s processing it.
2. Reach out to your child’s birth family on social media
Get to it before your child does – It’s ideal if you can reach out to your child’s birth family on social media before he does. If that is the case, consider setting up a private group or chat that is a safe, secure place for interactions to occur. Many families use the group function on platforms like Facebook to accomplish this. Work with the birth family to set some ground rules that protect your child’s privacy and establish an atmosphere of commitment to the best interest of your child.
It’s okay to be late to the party – If your child is already connecting with his birth family on social media, connect with them anyway. Be light-hearted about it and admit you are late to the party. Invite them to a private group or chat that will facilitate connection. If you get resistance, talk with your child. Work out boundaries that respect your concerns and his desire for connection. If you haven’t already, establish age-appropriate limits for your child regarding issues like connections or friend requests, the amount of time spent online, and content.
Work together for the good of your child – Depending on the age of your child and the type of relationship you have, enlist the birth family in advance of this conversation to collaborate on reasonable parameters. This discussion will be significantly easier to have if you’ve taken the time to craft a trusting and respectful relationship with his birth family. But it’s not too late to work through the issues now. Set realistic expectations for both the conversations and the implementation of the limits you set.
3. Give your child a voice
As you establish your parameters and safety, find ways to get your tween or teen’s input. Ask what his friends are allowed to do. Hear him when he says (with or without words) that “everyone but me has…” An adolescent has a high need to be just like his peers. So try to negotiate with him, compromise where you can. Explain why you cannot give in when you feel particularly strong about an issue. It’s far better to teach him wise, safe internet habits than for him to sneak behind your back.
4. Keep track of your child’s social media habits
You cannot control what his birth family posts on their social media accounts, nor should you try, but you can install content monitoring support that protects your child from inappropriate content. Again, depending upon your child’s age, you can make these supports a conditional part of his access to social media and devices that you give him or allow him to use. Our partner Creating a Family, has a resource called Common Sense Internet Rules for Kids that can help you create a plan that works for your family.If you are interested in learning more about open adoption with your child’s birth family, listen to this show, What You Need to Know About Open Adoption, by Creating a Family. It’s an excellent interview with Lori Holden, author of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption.
This downloadable resource, by Child Welfare Information Gateway, has an excellent section on Communicating and Building Relationships with Birth Family Members, including helpful tips about searches and reunions with birth parents.