Survival Tips for Parenting A Challenging Child
Some kids are harder to parent than others. These little darlings are more intense, less able to self-regulate, and simply more challenging. A day with them is punctuated with exclamations! tantrums! and an almost constant need for supervision. It can be exhausting! It can also make you feel like a failure.
The first step to surviving is to realize that it is likely not your fault that your child is “more” than other children. There is not a single magic cure that will make parenting this child smooth and easy. There are, however, practical things that you can do to make life easier for both you and your child.
Tips for Parenting a Challenging Child
Get help – To help you cope with your challenging child, you need an occasional (or better yet — a regularly scheduled) break from parenting. If you adopted your child from foster care, she might be eligible for in-home services or respite care. Check with your caseworker. If not, you may have to pay for it, but it need not break the bank.
- Contact a local university and ask if they have physical therapy, speech therapy, or occupational therapy programs and post in those for a part-time mother’s helper position.
- Ask for help from your church, Kiwanis, Rotary, Key Club, adult sororities, or other community auxiliary organizations.
Physical activity – Get your challenging child involved with physical activities. Chances are good that this child has more energy than other kids. At the minimum, he is likely less capable of self-regulating with his energy levels, so exhaustion (or at least the feeling of pleasant tiredness) can be your friend. Enroll him in programs that require exertion, for example, gymnastics, karate, or swimming.
Get support – Join a local adoptive parent or foster parent support group, if one is available. Also, look for an online support group. The benefit of support groups is that you are surrounded by other parents who “get it” and are quite often willing to share what has worked for them and what resources they found beneficial in your community.
Keep a journal – Keep a notebook to try to figure out triggers your child. If she has a meltdown, stop and record what happened in the past 30 minutes. Pay attention to the activities, transitions, and stimuli (visual, touch, and smell). At the end of the week, review your notebook. Look for patterns to figure out what sets off her meltdowns.
For example, many children fall apart and became deregulated during transitions, especially changing favored activities, like moving from playing to cleaning up or needing to stop playtime to go to the store or finishing breakfast to get in the car for school. Even if your child is looking forward to the new activity, she might still struggle to “switch gears.” By tracking this pattern, you can figure out a more streamlined routine with fewer transitions. You can also prepare her well in advance for changes. As she grows, you can talk with her about how hard transitions were for her as a young child. Help her use that information to work on techniques she can use to prepare herself.
Remain calm – In the heat of the moment with a challenging child, if at all possible, it helps if you can model calm behavior. As the child begins to spin out of control, stay near, and model self-regulation by breathing deeply and speaking softly. Often the less you say, the better. Your child usually will start breathing with you and modeling your behavior – even if unconsciously.
Yes, it is difficult to remain calm when what you want to do is stomp and yell with him. Set yourself up for success by starting each day with this intention. Say it out loud to yourself if you have to.
Simplify your life – When you are parenting a “high maintenance” kid, your days will look different than families without these challenges. You will not get as much done, you will not be able to run as many errands, and your kids will likely be involved in fewer activities. You and your child will probably be less frustrated if you pair down your life and accept that as your reality. At least for this season of your life.
Enjoy your child – It might be hard to hear this if you are in the mire of parenting a challenging child, but you must not forget to enjoy both your life and this child. When you are really struggling with a child, one of the first things to leave your life is joy, but joy is essential to humans. It is vital to your other children (if you have them). It is imperative for you. And maybe even most importantly, it is crucial to the child with whom you are struggling.
Find one thing that you enjoy doing with this child, and one thing your family enjoys doing together. Don’t think big. It can be something as small as a walk after dinner, a movie on Saturdays, or pizza every Friday night. The key is to find something that will help you connect as a family and specifically help you connect with this child.
As the adult, you will have to be more flexible, but if you try, you can find one thing that you will both enjoy doing together. You owe it not only to this child but also to yourself.
Handling a Raging Child – If your challenging child tends to rage, make sure to prioritize safety for the other family members. Get younger vulnerable children out of the room. Model self-regulation by breathing deeply and slowly around the child. Provide a safe object upon which he can direct his rage. For example, many parents give the child a pillow to hit.
If these physical outbursts have happened before, create a plan to handle the situation. Perhaps the dad can take the other kids away, while the mom sits with the out of control child. Also, have a plan for what to do if the child is not able to calm down and regain control. Often just having a plan will help you remain calm during a scary time.
There is Hope And Help
You might feel that this season with your challenging child will never come to an end. Parenting a challenging child is indeed exhausting; however, with time, patience, and a good variety of tools in your parenting toolbox, you will survive this season.
If you feel that your child’s needs are beyond the suggestions offered here, consider seeking professional, adoption-informed therapy for you and your child. Our partner, Creating a Family has resources to find therapists that understand what you are facing.
Source: Creating a Family’s Parenting Toolkit for Harder to Parent Kids